Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Tuesday Link Love: Cher, Andie, Jack, Chloe, Neal and Lloyd Wright

Cher has done sold her West Hollywood (CA) duplex combo condo at the star-studded Sierra Towers complex in an off-market deal for $5.25 million. She also re-listed her Malibu mansion with a lower but still astronomical $41 million price tag and her son Elijah Blue hoisted his house near Abbott Kinney in Venice (CA) on the market with a $1,899,500 asking price. (TMZ)

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Still drop dead gorgeous (and kinda kooky) mid-career actress and model Andie McDowell finally sold her nearly 11,000 square foot many-gabled Tudor extravaganza in Asheville, NC and bought a much more modestly sized contemporary cottage in the beachy Silver Strand section of Marina Del Rey. (Trulia Luxe Living)

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After about a year on the market Tinseltown royal Jack Nicholson took in $11 million for his fully renovated and updated 1890s house in star-studded and brutally expensive Aspen, CO. It was originally listed for $15 million. Nicholson and his music mogul pal Lou Adler went halfsies on the historic house back in 1980; It appears to Your Mama the friends paid just $550,000 for the six bedroom house. Mister Nicholson and Adler both owned other homes in Aspen at the time but suffered from lousy television reception. So—as the stories go—they bought this house and its better tee-vee reception so they could go there and watch Lakers basketball games. Such is the real estate options of the rich and famous, right? (Aspen Daily News)

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Thank the real estate gods! Indie queen turned mainstream actress Chloe Sevigny has finally secured another buyer for her garden level East Village townhouse apartment that was last listed at $1,850,000, up from the original $1.7 million asking price but down from its later and much higher $1,995,000 price tag. (EV Grieve)

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Always working actor Neal McDonough (Desperate Housewives, Band of Brothers) put but his ivy-encrusted, 1922 vintage Colonial in L.A.'s Hancock Park 'hood on the market at $2,899,000. (Realtor)

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The fabulous Lloyd Wright-designed Samuel-Novarro house in L.A.'s Los Feliz area—once owned by Diane Keaton and later, briefly, by Christina Ricci—has returned to the open market with a $4,495,000 million asking price. The seller, a mysterious entity with business addresses in both New York City and Granite Bay (CA) who a real estate canary snitched to Your Mama is a photographer (and an heir to substantial family fortune) whose downtown Manhattan loft was previously featured on Selling New York, purchased the extraordinary and delicious architectural oddity residence in June 2006 for $2,827,500. (Curbed)

Rita Rudner Wants to Sell SoCal Beach House

SELLER: Rita Rudner and Martin Bergman
LOCATION: Dana Point, CA
PRICE: $8,975,000
SIZE: 5,000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 3.75 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to the fine folks at Estately Your Mama has learned that former Broadway dancer hopeful turned veteran American comedienne Rita Rudner and British writer/producer Martin Bergman not only slashed the asking price of their bluff-side digs in Orange County's Dana Point (CA) by a million clams but also that the funny lady "stars" in a publicly available marketing video for the property.

Miz Rudner, an occasional actress and author of a handful of bestselling memoirs and comic novels, has been delivering her well honed brand pithy, self-mocking one-liners for decades but since the early Aughts has headlined almost exclusively on the Las Vegas Strip. First she did her thing at MGM, then at the ludicrously named New York-New York Hotel & Casino where she performed in a theater underneath the resort's roller coaster, then over at Harrah's and currently she shakes her dry-humored money maker twice a month (through 2013) at The Venetian. Anyhoo...



In the 4.5 minute guided tour, Miz Rudner shucks, jives and jokes her way through the house in a diaphanous yet heavily beaded and bespangled—and very Orange County—cornflower blue tunic. She points out the home's various features and giddily wisecracks that she and her team of well-groomed "Realtors to the "semi-stars" look forward to receiving offers so she can respond with a "How dare you!"

Property records are a bit vague as to when exactly Miz Rudner and Mister Bergman bought their bluff-side beach house but our research indicated they picked up the house on leased land in 2008 for $5,850,000 and in December spent another $2.15 million to buy the land itself. The couple first hoisted the house on the open market in mid-October (2012) with a $9,975,000 price tag but in early February (2013) significantly chopped the asking price to its current $8,975,000.

Current listing information shows the two story house sits well above the street in a notably affluent, particularly pricey and guard gated Dana Point neighborhood that overlooks scenic and undeniably stunning Monarch Bay. The existing house was built in 2005, according to listing details, and measures around 5,000 square feet with five bedrooms and 3.75 bathrooms.

In order to maximize the sweeping sand, surf, coastline and Catalina Island views, the house was designed upside-down with the open plan living/dining/kitchen areas (as well as the master bedroom) on the upper level and several guest/family bedrooms plus additional living spaces on the ground floor.

Listing photographs show the main living area has burnt orange and deep purple walls; a slightly low looking flat ceiling peppered with more than a dozen pot lights; wall-to-wall stone tile flooring that may or may not be some sort of Travertine; and a chunky and minimalist marble-faced (gas) fireplace flanked by built in book cases fashioned from walnut or teak or some other richly grained wood. The room is furnished entirely with a matching set of two-tone sectional sofas and chaise lounges that, due to their matchy-matchiness, more than just a little suggests the lobby lounge of a breezy, Balinese-y boutique hotel in the Caribbean. We'll let the children decide if that's a good thing or not.

Floor-to-ceiling telescopic glass doors in the dining area disappear into the wall for a seamless integration to a slightly cantilevered, glass-railed terrace/lounge that's partially shaded by a muscular concrete trellis but in full possession of an all but unobstructed multi-million dollar coastal view. Your Mama has no desire to live in Orange County—just a preference, hunnies, not a slam—but we imagine that terrace is a perfectly perfect spot to sit, knit and sip gin all day long.

A too-narrow stand-up snack bar divides the ocean view dining area from the sky-lit kitchen. Chatoyant, flat-fronted cabinetry crafted from the same wood as the book cases in the living room area has barely there contemporary hardware and the counter tops and back splashes are marble. As pointed out by Miz Rudner herself in the marketing video, the spacious kitchen is expensively equipped with two dishwashers, two refrigerators, two ovens, two microwaves and one warming drawer that can be just as easily warm food as other items such as "fake jewelry" and ladies' undergarments. Another wide bank of glass doors in the kitchen vanish into the walls and connect to the fully kitted out courtyard-sized backyard.*

The upper level master bedroom has yet another expanse of telescopic glass doors that, when open, merge the chamber to the backyard area. There's also a corner (gas) fireplace surmounted by a small flat-screen tee-vee and a rather unusual and—ahem—unhygienic looking wall treatment behind the wicker sleigh bed. The Travertine-slathered bathroom has a glass-enclosed shower, an elevated soaking tub, at least one sky light and a separate cubicle for the crapper. Your Mama loves us some Rita Rudner. We really do. But, children, the multiple wall covering patterns in her master bathroom—one a textured beige and brown horizontal stripe, another a rust and gold veined abstract situation at the last one some sort of shimmery scale-like number—are just, well, unspeakable.

In addition to whatever number of actual bedrooms there are on the lower level there's also an ocean view office with custom built wrap-around work stations and a petite media room where the smallish flat screen tee-vee is flush mounted into a paneled wall and girdled (on just three sides) by a distracting decorative hoo-ha. The four modern-minded reclining chairs are probably super-duper comfy-cozy but it is Your Mama's unnecessarily snarky and utterly meaningless opinion that they were—like the decorative grill thingy around the tee-vee and the SoCal blue walls that almost perfectly match the sky outside—an ill-advised choice.

Other features of the Bergman-Rudner residence worth a note include a water filtration system; a paneled passenger elevator for lifting the lazy and infirm to the upper level; radiant heated floors for warming cold tootsies on damp, foggy mornings and brisk, salt-licked evenings; and electrically controlled solar shades for filtering the harsh and hot afternoon sunshine.

Various home owner's and beach club fees including with online marketing materials add up to $12,920 annually and allow paid up residents exclusive and unfettered access to the private, beachside Monarch Bay Club and on-beach butler service provided by the ritzy St. Regis Monarch Bay Beach Resort (tips and additional fees may be required).

Miz Rudner and Mister Bergman also maintain a 4,007 square foot condo in Las Vegas (NV). Property records show they scooped up the three bedroom and 4.5 bathroom condo crib on the 30th floor of the upscale Turnberry Towers development in May 2002 for $1,621,500.

Once upon a real estate time, from the mid '90s to the early Aughts Miz Rudner and Mister Bergman owned a Balinese-kissed mock-Med mansion on Oak Pass Road in Beverly Hills (Post Office) that was later purchased, in 2007 for $4.5 million, by former pop singer/reality show star/(h)actress Ashlee Simpson who shared the hillside manse with her now ex-husband Pete Wentz. After almost 1.5 years on the market she finally sold the property in mid 2011 for $3,475,000, a gut wrenching million dollar plus loss. Mister Wentz bought to a much more modest house in the hills of Studio City last year (2012) and ex-Missus Wentz leased a house above Mulholland Drive in the Bev Hills P.O. although Your Mama does not know or—frankly—much care if the Showbiz has been still lives there.

*The compact and private backyard is tiled with the same Travertine (or whatever) as in the main living spaces and offers a heavy-duty smoked glass and concrete patio cover for shade seekers and a towering, fake rock wall looms behind a palm-filled elevated planter and a slightly less elevated spa.

listing photos and video tour: Sotheby's Hôm via Estately

Monday, March 25, 2013

Sideburn Issue 13 Launch Party at Krazy Horse

On Saturday I ventured east making a 200 odd mile pilgrimage to the Krazy Horse Customs shop where Sideburn magazine where holding their launch party for their 13th issue which is absolutely fantastic so go buy yours now. I've heard a lot about the shop since it opened earlier this year and it certainly lived up to the reports. A huge shop space akin to something you'd only really expect to see in the states held a wide ranging selection of custom bikes from Zero Engineering and S&S, even a new Morgan Three Wheeler. Upstairs you can buy spares, clothing and buy giant chips and slurp tea from real mugs. I couldn't go all that way without the sketchbook and so I chose my one subject for the day to be this...

Shinya Kimura Harley


(ink and watercolour)
 Shinya Kimura builds incredible custom bikes and has a beautiful philosophy about building. To see more on his incredible machines go to his blog:

shinyakimura.blogspot.co.uk


Sideburn provided great music including a live set from The Stags, a great Hammond heavy group.
I didn't actually take any more photos of the shop stupidly but you'll have to go see for yourself as it's certainly worth it.




Friday, March 22, 2013

Larry David Lists Pac Pal Compound

SELLER: Larry David
LOCATION: Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $14,999,000
SIZE: 10,000 (or so) square feet, 7 bedrooms, 10 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Looks like lefty liberal Hollywood hot shot Larry David's enthusiasms have done curbed for his sprawling, bluff top English country-style mini-compound in the quietly swank Huntington Palisades area of Pacific Palisades, CA. The gated, ocean view estate on three adjoining bluff top lots that combined total just under an acre has hit the open market with an asking price of $14,999,000.

The dry and dark humored, acerbic witted and socially awkward former failed stand up comic turned writer/producer/actor has been a Showbiz denizen since at least the early 1980s when he was hired as a staff writer on Saturday Night Live. He lasted only a single season and, so the story goes, only managed to get one skit on the air. Early entertainment industry failures aside, Mister David leaped to the top of the Tinseltown heap in the early 1990s as the co-creator, writer, producer and an occasional actor on Seinfeld, an unequivocally seminal sitcom that earned him two Emmy statuettes plus 10 more nominations. Mister David received a dozen more Emmy nominations through the 2000s for the now canceled cult favorite faux reality sitcom Curb Your Enthusiasm. Mister David latest professional endeavor is the upcoming HBO comedy movie Clear History which he co-wrote, co-produced and appears in alongside a slew of celebs who include John Hamm, Bill Hader, Eva Mendes, Amy Ryan, Kate Hudson and Michael Keaton (to name a few).

As best as Your Mama can tell from a careful perusal of property records Mister David andhis sometimes hypocritical eco-warrior/documentary producer ex-wife Laurie (Lennard) David—she was a producer for the Oscar winning An Inconvenient Truth documentary—purchased each of the three lots that comprise the star-style mini-compound in three separate transactions. The first came in November 1993 when the now former couple picked up the central parcel, where the 10,000-ish square foot main residence is situated. The second lot was snatched up in May 1996 and the third three years later in March 1999.

Current listing information shows the meandering, multi-wing main house was originally built in 1950 and currently has seven bedrooms and ten bathrooms with additional living space in the detached guest/pool house out by the heated swimming pool and spa.

Interior spaces are decidedly traditional with medium brown wood floors, rustic wood beamed ceilings and chunky support posts, diamond paned leaded glass windows, lots of custom mill work including an all wood staircase, four (or more) wood burning fireplaces and truckloads of over-stuffed upholstered sofas and chairs that all look like they belong at Grandma's Connecticut country house.

The entertaining-friendly main living areas include multiple living rooms/sitting areas and a formal dining room with half-timber walls and massive used brick fireplace. An open concept family room (with fireplace) and kitchen area with boxcar sized center island, some sort of natural slab stone counter tops, brick accents and top grade commercial style stainless steel appliances.

The second floor mater suite has more exposed wood beams on the ceiling, a sitting area with built-in bookshelves and white brick corner fireplace and a spacious private terrace with through the tree tops canyon, beach and ocean views. It appears to Your Mama that the master suite also has two very large dressing suites and bathrooms, both with half-timber detailing on the ceiling and walls. His facility has rugged wide plank wood floors, a vaulted ceiling and sitting area with flush mounted television and hers is outfitted with a free-standing soaking tub, hair and make-up vanity, and yet another fireplace.

The angled and roomy pool/guesthouse more than just a little resembles an English thatched cottage. A stone sunbathing terrace, an outdoor living room/lounge with kitchen/bar, a monolithic red brick fireplace and a vaulted ceiling with exposed beams and trusses that give the room the look of an upside down ship's hull.

We're not sure who retained ownership after the divorce but Mister and ex-Missus David also maintained multi-residence compound with swimming pool and tennis court on two parcels that total 15.9 acres near Chilmark (MA) on the waspy meets arty farty Martha's Vineyard. Property records show the larger 13.9 acre parcel was purchased in early 2000 for $3,700,000 and the adjacent two acre lot (with a 7 bedroom residence) was acquired in October 2004 for $1,300,000.

listing photos: Partners Trust

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Shoe Mogul Steve Madden Lists Townhouse

SELLER: Steve Madden
LOCATION: New York City, NY
PRICE: $8,995,000
SIZE: 6,040 square feet

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Once again our New York-centric aide de camp Hot Chocolate tipped us off that mid-priced shoe tycoon Steve Madden has put an $8,995,000 price tag on his 6,040 square foot Upper East Side Italianate townhouse located on a tree-lined block between Lexington and Third Avenues, hardly Timbuktu but perhaps a bit far east to be fashionable.

The 20-foot townhouse, one of only two left of the original row of six, was built in 1860 and converted in the late 19th century to a blacksmith's shop and residence. The mid-block building, set well back from the sidewalk stands five floors above ground plus a full basement. The townhouse was purchased, according a 2011 report in the New York Observer, in 1978 and converted a couple years later to a four unit coopertive apartment house.

As best as Your Mama can tell the shoe peddler and his missus acquired the four units in four separate transactions for a total of $8,850,000. The first purchase, a three bedroom quadruplex with two outdoor spaces, came in September 2006. This was about a year after Mister Madden was released from 2.5 year long stint in the pokey for securities fraud. Three years later the Maddens scooped up an adjoining, street-facing duplex on the third and fourth floors and just over a year after that they picked up the fourth and fifth floor duplex at the rear of the building. Finally, in late 2012, they bought the fourth unit in the building, a multi-level set up with one bedroom, 1.5 bathrooms, a large living room with fireplace, a brutally compact kitchen and a nearly 200 square foot south facing roof terrace.

Listing details describe the townhouse as currently being used as a single family home with a "unique layout." As far as Your Mama can tell from a thorough study of the floor plan included with current online marketing materials, what's "unique" about the layout of this house is that the four separate units have only been combined in the most cursory and awkward of manners and the six floors connected via a dizzying array of internal staircases.

The elevated front stoop—oh, how Your Mama keens and keels for an urban stoop—makes an elegant entry to the residence. But it all quickly fizzles like air from a pin pricked balloon just as soon as the parlor floor entry vestibule gives way to an impossibly narrow corridor and equally slender switchback main staircase that ascends to the top three floors but does not descend to the lower two floors, at least not on the floor plan.

The "unique layout" includes numerous, relatively ambiguous purpose rooms that include multiple living/dining rooms on at least three different floors including a parlor floor dining room with terrace access. The floor plan show four small kitchens, all of which may (or may not) be expensively outfitted but none of which are larger than what might reasonably expect in just about any small Manhattan apartment.


Other "unique" features include: a windowless, basement level office with private attached bathroom; six variously sized guest/family bedrooms—some of them garden shed sized—that share four hall bathrooms; a garden level master suite (with closets, a dressing hallway and a large private bathroom) through which is the only direct access to the backyard, a garden level living room space and—have mercy—the basement.

Just for shits and giggle, children, check out the necessary route to get from the basement to one of the ambiguously utilized living rooms on the fourth floor. We can't speak for anyone else but Your Mama would have to make a pit stop in one of the parlor floor sitting rooms for a breather and a gin & tonic. Anyhoo...

Although currently weighed down by a crazy-ass and all but unsolvable floor plan, the townhouse itself is not without desirability. There's that stunning stoop, of course, and the deep set back entry that might hinder light exposure a bit too much but just about makes up for it with an enhanced sense of privacy. There's also the sensible 20 foot width—many Big Apple townhouses are less than 16 feet wide—the aforementioned 350-plus square foot back yard, the almost 10 feet deep full-width terrace off the rear of the parlor floor and two of nearly 200 square foot roof terraces.


Just as Your Mama and the children all should expect of wealthy and (presumably) stylish and urbane New Yorkers with an bizarrely configured townhouse, Mister and Missus Madden hired a name brand architect, a residential specialist, to re-imagine and reconfigure the interior spaces into a much more cohesive, proper and modern single family residence of just over 6,000 square feet. And their architect(s) of choice, Gordon Kahn And Associates, did an honest to goodness bang up job with the space planning. We suspect much of any remaining original architectural details would have to be removed to accommodate the vast transformation achieved by Mister Kahn (and co.) but it would seem to Your Mama he succeeded in, if nothing else, setting up the layout for

Plans call for the convoluted system of switchback staircases and zig-zagging corridors to be replaced with an elegantly proportioned central traffic hub with elevator, powder rooms, coat closets and a semi-circular main staircase that connects all floors of the townhouse, from the basement clear on up through to the fifth floor.

The proposed new layout shows a total of four bedrooms: a penthouse floor guest bedroom with private bathroom and roof terrace; two full-width family bedrooms on the fourth floor, each with three closets and en suite facility. Plans call for the entire third floor to be given over to the master suite with fireplace, fitted walk-in closet and dressing hall and over-sized bathroom with twin sink, crapper cubby, free-standing soaking tub and separate stall shower.

The architects retained an informal living area on the garden level but repurposed the master suite into a spacious, family-friendly center island kitchen complex complete with a built-in breakfast banquette, a walk-in pantry, direct access to the garden through the casual dining area and a very smart dumbwaiter that swiftly lifts food (and etc.) from the kitchen to a butler's pantry that adjoins the parlor level formal dining room.

The new and improved floor plan calls for a finished basement level with home gym set up, bathroom and walk-in wine cellar and a sky-lit top floor solarium that spills out to a south-facing street side roof terrace.

Your Mama has not specific intel on where Mister and Missus Madden plan to decamp but if we were the wagering type—and we're not—we'd bet both our long-bodied bitches, Linda and Beverly, that the Madden family's next residence won't require such and extensive, expensive and time consuming overhaul.

listing photos and floor plan: Douglas Elliman

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Jon Bon Jovi Lists Downtown Duplex Penthouse

SELLER: Jon Bon Jovi
LOCATION: New York City, NY
PRICE: $42,000,000
SIZE: 7,452 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Painstakingly preserved middle-aged rock superstar Jon Bon Jovi and his Missus, Dorothea Hurley, coughed up $24,000,000 in June 2007 for a sleek and sophisticated, suburban MacMansion-sized duplex penthouse atop a very swank cast iron building in New York City's tourist-filled SoHo neighborhood.

Thanks to the diligent research of our unofficial (but much appreciated) aide de camp Hot Chocolate we've learned that Mister and Missus Bon Jovi have hoisted the nearly 7,500 square foot spread on the open market with a significantly increased $42,000,000 price tag.

This isn't the biggest surprise. Avid real estate watchers may recall that back in the fall of 2011 rumors surfaced on Curbed and elsewhere that the post-reno penthouse was quietly being shopped off-market with a $45 million price tag.

A key lock elevator opens directly into the five bedroom penthouse's upper level main foyer off of which are coat closets and an itty-pitty powder room. Floor to ceiling windows wrap around four sides of the massive main living/dining space that includes a mirrored fireplace and access to both the the posh penthouse's expansive roof terraces that together total more than 3,100 square feet of fully landscaped exterior living space.

Besides the addition of a lot of beige, brown and—although undoubtedly excessively expensive—very boring furnishings, a quick comparison of the floor plan included with current marketing materials (above) and the one included with online listings from the time of their purchase (see here) show Mister and Missus Bon Jovi made a couple of significant alterations and reconfigurations. When they purchased the penthouse there were two master suites, one upstairs the other downstairs. The upper level master suite—the one we imagine was likely used by the previous occupant as the actual master bedroom—occupied a private wing on the upper level. That space was converted by the Bon Jovis to a media room with adjacent projection room, a puny, window-lined study and a compact guest bedroom with adjoining bathroom.

The master suite was moved to the lower level and includes small entry vestibule that promotes privacy, a 25-foot long bedroom area with a trio of over-sized street-facing windows, a double-sided fitted dressing room and a spacious (if windowless) bathroom with two sink, crapper cubby and double-headed shower. Three more guest/family bedrooms on the lower level each have private bathrooms as does the squeezy staff bedroom that's tucked up behind the laundry room.

The penthouse has two U-shaped kitchens, one off the main living space on the upper level and the other slightly smaller one off the 1,100-plus square foot so-called "Great Room" on the lower level. Both kitchens are equipped with custom cabinetry and top of the line appliances, natch, but, oddly enough, neither is much bigger than what one might safely expect to find in a mid-priced suburban tract house.

Our brief and entirely unscientific research indicates Mister and Missus Bon Jovi maintain a small but rock star style real estate portfolio that in addition to the Manhattan duplex they'd like to unload and a jaw dropping $18,000,000 profit includes (but may not be limited to) a multi-acre river-front spread in quietly ritzy Red Bank, NJ and a large house on one of the finest and most expensive lanes in East Hampton, NY, that they scooped up in August 2004 for $7,600,000.

exterior photo: Kate Leonova for Property Shark
listing photos and floor plan: Corcoran

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Tuesday Floor Plan Porn: Heath Hall

WHAT: Heath Hall
LOCATION: London, U.K.
PRICE: £65,000,000
SIZE: 2509.29 square meters, 15 bedrooms, 15 full and 2 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen, chickens, Your Mama has some personal matters that require our undivided attention. However, rather than leave the children completely high and dry in the (celebrity) real estate way we thought we'd quickly drop some hardcore floor plan porn on y'all in the form of Heath Hall, an historic, newly renovated and much expanded mega-mansion on The Bishop's Avenue, one the most (in)famously recherché residential enclaves in all of ludicrously expensive London.

Heath Hall has been on the market for a while now but recently had it's monstrous £100,000,000 asking price slashed to a still tumescent £65,000,000. A few quick flicks of the well-worn beads of Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows that's an electrifying $151,068,000, at today's rates, reduced down to still stultifying $98,194,200.

The seller, according to previous reports, is a property magnate named Andreas Panayiotou who purchased Heath Hall in 2006 and spent—so the stories go—£40,000,000 on the recent overhaul and expansion.

Current listing details show the Edwardian era three story (plus partial basement) mansion, a stately red brick pastiche of Classical, Arts & Crafts and Scottish Baronial styles, was designed and built in 1910 for sugar baron William Lyle and, after its recent expansion, measures in at 2,509.29 square meters. That's just over 27,000 square feet for all us non-metric types.

Your Mama counted at least half a dozen or more public entertaining rooms that include a regal, 700-ish square foot center stair hall with a massive oak staircase and a banquet hall sized dining room; a gargantuan "Garden Room" with a (melo)dramatic glass ceiling and a glinty dandelion-like chandelier. A pair of nearly 30-foot long drawing rooms, both with fireplaces, flank a refreshingly intimate paneled library. All three of the latter rooms spill out to 60-foot long, glassed in veranda that overlook the estate's formal gardens.

The floor plan first provided to Your Mama by a U.K.-based aide-de-camp we'll call Flower Perfectbush and included with online marketing materials shows Heath Hall has not just one but two kitchens. At the northeast corner there's a somewhat isolated commercial catering kitchen with walk in larder. That's a pantry, American butter beans. A more central, expensively outfitted center island family kitchen has a direct view into the adjacent family room but a strangely circuitous route to the formal dining room. It seems a bit odd to Your Mama that there's not a butler's pantry or service kitchen between the kitchen and dining room. Unless there's a weird and ill-advised pass through we don't know about, plated food must be carried from the kitchen through a vestibule off the main reception hall in order to be served in the dining room.

Even though listing details say there are 14 bedrooms and 15 bathrooms Your Mama (repeatedly) counted a total of 15 bedrooms and 15 full or three-quarter bathrooms and two powder poopers on the main floor.

At least four of the bedrooms are located in a separate wing above the catering kitchen and laundry room making them suitable for habitation by live-in domestic staff. In addition to the five guest/family bedrooms and the master bedroom on the second floor there are three large if awkwardly shaped en suite bedrooms on the third floor plus two more smaller bedrooms that share a hall bathroom.

The second floor master suite is a roomy if surprisingly simple affair comprised of a 500-square foot bedroom/sitting area, an itty-bitty stud-nook, a pair of custom-fitted windowed dressing rooms and a single, spacious bathroom sheathed almost entirely in Milas Lilac marble. The high contrast marble in the master bathroom was certainly a bold choice and we imagine many of the children will poo-poo its use as conspicuous and vulgar. And it is, hunties. It is. Even still, Your Mama thinks it's insane. Rachel Zoe might say, "It's mayj!" The free-standing soaking tub carved from a huge hunk of the same marble is just icing on the crazy cake in that glorious high luxury meets high camp style to which Your Mama is inexplicably and somewhat embarrassingly drawn. We don't want that bathroom for our bathroom but we're sorta glad it exists in all its unapologetic über-splendor. Anyhoodles poodles...

Additional creature comforts at Heath Hall include: a cloak room/powder pooper larger than most people's bedrooms; a basement level wine cellar; a discreet and fully equipped panic room (not shown on the floor plan, natch) with toilet and separate telephone wires that can not be cut; a surprisingly compact but state-of-the-art home cinema lined with cream colored suede; an indoor swimming pool complex complete with spa and multi-colored fiber optic lighting situation that kinda gives Your Mama the decorative willies. The indoor fitness area also includes an adjoining gymnasium, steam room and dry sauna and two shower/changing rooms.

Every square foot of the walled, gated and high maintenance 2.5 acre estate is landscaped to include a motor court with central water feature at the front of the house and a rear motor court for easy access to the five car detached garage. There are formal gardens, a serpentine pathway winds in and out through the sylvan edges of the estate, a hard surface tennis court and a rectangular swimming pool overlooked by a slightly elevated glassed-in gazebo.

listing photos and floor plan: Knight Frank